Monday, February 26, 2007

Afore mentioned thought process...


Those feelings of "inadequacy" or having a "boring" life that I worked out earlier...I had written them in the Mellander's blog...here it is. You might understand what I was talking about now. It was good to reread this...

Finding my purpose... written Nov. 25th 2006
Lastnight, instead of going to bed with Aaron, who was all tired out from work and home work, I stayed up an extra hour or so perusing Rainbow’s blog…myspace, livejournal…one of them! Anyhoo, it put me in a pretty melancholy mood. She’s so truthful. She says what she feels and doesn’t apologize for it. I can never decide whether I want to be like that or not. I’m too afraid I will hurt someone’s feelings…but I understand why she does it. It’s her way. I tried to find a past entry…one where I was sure to have pissed her off. I was curious to see what she had written about me, seeing as how I never used to read her livejournal. Well, I couldn’t find anything…either she was never angry enough with me to post anything or else I’m a very bad skimmer.This morning I read Ro’s blog…and I began to sink further still into introspection… I found the Mellander website to be up and working and so here I am…and was a couple of hours ago. I spent forty-five minutes pouring out my melancholy soul…ranting and raving about the hardships of motherhood and housewifery! I asked all manor of rhetorical questions…what is my purpose in life, why don’t I have time for myself, why do I feel unappreciated and like I will never do anything exciting again, blah blah blah!!!Well, I could understand how it makes Rainbow feel better…after all that, I felt pretty good, though I was a bit worried you wouldn’t see past all of that raw emotion to the love I also feel for Aloria and my husband…to the absolute gratitude I have to God for my family. So, I suppose that in the long run, it is better that my sorry excuse for dial up Internet booted me off and I lost all 45 minutes of ramblings. …and not grrr. I am after all much more optimistic than I had sounded. Being a mother is just such a huge transition…so is not working. I thought that I would love it…but sometimes it’s very boring and mundane…but as Aaron reminded me yesterday, so is work. He does pretty much the same thing everyday; only it’s away from home. I miss the interaction I used to have with the kids I taught last year…I miss interacting with strangers and I miss having close female friendship to regularly bare my soul to………..but that doesn’t have to mean I am unfulfilled. In truth, I worry that I’m not fulfilling God’s plan for me…that I’m not trying hard enough to reach out to others…that because I have a child, I can not travel the way I want to. Am I looking for God’s plan for me or my plan for me? I mean, His plan involved us having Aloria, so I suppose my staying home is part of that. I just wish that I could be certain that I knew this is what the Lord wanted me to do, so that I could feel I am accomplishing at least that. Why does it always seem that ministry in another country is more fantastic than ministry where you live?! I know that isn’t the truth…I mean Ro blogged about her uncertainties with her ministry, her reason for being in S. Korea, the purpose for walking in desert places, spiritually speaking… it’s just that, I want my life to feel fantastic…that may be a bit selfish, I admit. Feelings are arbitrary! I really do love being a wife and mother…but even after a day where I have the entire house clean, I’ve fed, cared and played with Aloria, have dinner on the table by six, and still have energy for Aaron that night, I start to feel that sense of accomplishment rise within me until I think to myself, “who cares!” What did cleaning the house accomplish for the Lord…but they are lies, ALL LIES!!!!! I thought of Proverbs 31 just a little bit ago, and realized that I am accomplishing a lot, and for the first time in my life I felt like that woman. Not in highschool, not in college, not as a married person…but now, now after having Aloria, after having a family…I feel it! …and I’m starting to understand it. Proverbs 31:10 “An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.” I totally struggled with this. Sometimes I feel worthless…like, why do I have a BA…does that mean I’m a professional mom?! Yeah me. …then I read this, and thought how silly it was that I was trying to run away from myself and who I was to find my worth, when it was all wrapped up in what I was already doing…provided I do it right. It says an “excellent” wife, not a “resentful, depressed” wife. …and part of being excellent is wrapped up in my husband…doing “him good and not evil all the days of [my] life.” That is awesome because I love doing things for Aaron! I love Aaron! …and I love other people to think well of him because I praised him for who he is! This is what hit me the hardest though… “she smiles at the future…” Wow! That is a huge part of what I’ve been doing wrong. I have been looking forward to the future, but only because it would bring me out of the present…money is tight and after a while that wears on you, but he Lord has totally provided…and as Gwen says, “FURTHERMORE,” the future can only be good because of how we live the present! So to smile at later, I have to smile at now…and in truth, I have so very much to smile at. My cup does indeed runneth over! When did I start living for tomorrow, and not today? When did I start to loose my sparkle? I refuse to be a dumpy old housewife! “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” When did I stop pursuing God’s heart for my life? …and when did I stop living like the daughter of a king…of the King?! No more. Lastnight, after Aaron went to bed and after I turned off the computer, I turned off all the lights in the house, locked the doors, checked on Aloria to make sure she was still breathing (a total mom thing), and pulled the covers up over Aaron as I crept into bed beside him. I procrastinated on turning out my light, as I was enjoying just staring at his face while he slept. I do that with Aloria too…so precious. They are in my charge…put there by God, Himself…what greater task am I looking for in this life. I am full of gratitude and humility. Oh to what deserts would my feet carry me to if only God were to let me go off on my own. How blessed I am to be bound to such a gracious and loving Father!

2 comments:

Rainbow said...

amen sister. It's like we're in the same place or something. :) I always do worry that people are going to think that I am always how i sound in my blogs, but I get over it. Pretty sure everyone knows by now that my blogs are for processing more than updating.

ps- i think i probably would have blogged about being pissed at you if I hadn't been too busy making out all the time... which is what you were mad at me for and what I was mad at you for being mad at me for:)

though, i probably wouldn't have used your name.

Matt & Sharon Mormance said...

Hi Nessie. . .wow feels weird to call you that but I like it! Thanks for your comment on our blog it is always great to find people from MBC. I love hearing from people from MBC. You know, I read your blog entry about how sometimes doing ministry in another country is more fantastic than ministry in the States. Now that Matt and I have lived here in Europe for 6 months doing "missionary work," it has amazed us just how much of "missionary work" is everyday life stuff. You know, like do we try to take the time to build a relationship with the waitress serving us our coffee? Do we reach out to build a relationship with our neighbors? I think in one way it is easier b/c we don't have the "pull" of all the relationships we had back home. You know what I mean? Our friends aren't here to hang out with and we don't have all the church meetings that we did at home so we have the time to build a lot of new relationships. Anyhow, I am rambling now and I'm not sure how much room there is for posting a comment on a blog entry. :-) (By the way, what is your email address?) Know that the Lord is using you in more ways than you are aware.
Sharon Mormance (Morrow)