First of all I just want to thank everyone for all of the wonderful encouragement that you have given me, via blogger and phone. I have been in somewhat of a stuper lately, but the smoke has begun to clear and for the last couple of days I have felt more myself, and thought that I had better let everyone know lest you think I've dropped off the planet.
I don't know where to start, but I will try and sum up as best as possible from where I left off. The yard sale, as a whole, was a success...we didn't sell much, but what we did sell, we got a lot for. Both of high priced items, as well as quite a few others, were bought by this middle aged couple visiting from Main. They probably spent over $400 dollars on things, and most of that on stuff that wasn't even out there to look at...it was totally a God thing! ...in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they were angels sent specifically to provide us with money to live off of this week :-) Maybe that sounds far fetched, but that is the impression I got from them...but angels or not, they said they were Christians who had attended Icola in Cannon Beach. How cool is that?! They were such an answer to prayer for us, in the way of making money, that I must lift up their situation to you, intern, as well so that they might be covered with the same blessings. The woman's mother has cancer (which is why they are here)...she is having some tests done. If it is serious, they will stay and help take care of her, and if not they will be heading back (at least that is what it sounded like). They are here indefinately, not knowing what the future holds for them yet. The woman said (her husband's name is Larry, but my mind is drawing a blank on her name) that her mother is ready either way though, insinuating that she knew the Lord...so please lift them up in prayer. If nothing else, pray that they be richly blessed!
Other good news, is that we sold my LTD (Alice)... the Shaggin Wagon is gone (or will be as soon as we get paid for it...our neighbor's son is buying it after pay day). There was no shaggin in that wagon when I owned it, but you never know. The boy is young and not a Christian, so maybe we should pray that it is the unshaggin wagon, and that whatever angels chosen to protect me in it, would stay with their charge and shine a little light for this young man to see...and that the Holy Spirit give him a hightened sense of guilt! haha
I don't really know what to say about my anxiety attack, except that it was very scary...I felt completely out of control and alone (not caring whether or not I was to die)...I couldn't stop crying, or see past my sleep deprived emotions. I started to hyperventilate and for a few minutes (which seemed like forever) I couldn't get myself to move...to get up out of my chair to call Aaron for help. Then I heard Aloria cry from her room (she was napping) and my body went into auto pilot...I wiped my tears away so as not to frighten her and comforted her back to sleep, and then went to find Aaron. As soon as he walked into the house, I hugged him and started hyperventilating and crying again...he didn't waiste any time thinking I was "crazy"...well, I suppose he might have thought I was, but he took my "crazy" seriously, and said, "Do I need to take you somewhere or call someone?" He acted so quickly to the seriousness of my condition. I couldn't think right so he took me into the room to lay down, and having gone through a 2-3 month depression while overseas (in the military), he assumed that might be what I was dealing with, so pulling from what he would have wanted then, he pushed my knees up to my chest and pulled my arms in to my body (fetal possision) and then wrapped his arms around me and hugged me on the bed so so tight and let me cry ...and we stayed like that until I could think. I started to realize that Aloria would be up again soon and wasn't going to be able to deal with the day, nor did I want her to see me like that. So I asked him to call Rhonda and have her come and get her. It was hard to feel like I was in a place where I had to send my daughter away, but I knew it was the right thing. Rhonda came, I fell apart again, while she hugged me, and she offered to keep Aloria overnight. Then, later that day she called back asking (mostly telling:-) if she could come back over with her husband and father with their trailer to pick up all of our yard sale stuff, and store it in their garage for us until they could yard sale more of it for us...to help relieve some stress.
To give you some perspective...my house was still a mess, I had boxes in most every room, the yard was unfinished, and a whole trailer amount of stuff sat in our front yard that needed to be gone by the next day. It was Sunday, and our realitor was supposed to come over the next day to take pictures of the house for advertising. I just couldn't cope with all of that and taking care of both kids (and on top of that, all I wanted to do was sleep, having has so little of it lately). ...and it's not as if I didn't have help. I must sing the praises of my inlaws!!! While Aaron was still working full time (and coming home exhausted only to have to work on the yard, etc...) Larry was coming over every morning and hauling off debree and junk, fixing our window, etc... Marlene was here playing with Aloria so I could pack and clean! They were amazing, but there just wasn't time for everything, and Aaron and I were getting stressed at each other so we weren't able to pull any strength from the other as we were both at bottom, so to speak.
Soooo...Ed and Rhonda coming over to rid us of a front yard full of stress was huge!!! ...and at my request, Ed stayed and helped Aaron with some more work so that he could have the chance to talk with and encourage him. Aaron was stressed to, but I just didn't have the energy to encourage him, so I'm so greatful that Ed took the time to do what I could not! I had a good conversation with my mom that night, with Marlene, with Rhonda...with Aaron. It was truly an intervention...and then that night I slept! I still woke up for the baby, but the next day Aloria wasn't coming home until Aaron picked her up on his way back from work, so I slept some more. My mom told me that I needed to treat myself as though I were sick...I couldn't heal my mind if I didn't heal my body. So I forced myself not to pack or clean...I slept, I watched a movie, and I ate and drank as much as I could. When your body is stressed, certain other systems shut down...such as your immune system and digestive system, etc... and that Sunday I fell to pieces, I had eaten breakfast before church, but then nothing else until 11 at night and still wasn't really hungry. So the next day I could tell that my milk production was suffering from my unplanned fast. It took a day or two, but I am back to normal in that department...which Justus is happy about. I started to feel more normal, but still mechanical in my movements and ability to care for the kids...though I was happy to have Aloria back.
The Monday picture day was moved back to Wednesday (AAron called for me) and then to Friday at her request...the day of our first official showing. Ironically, the person to whom the showing was for was from our church. The ironic part is really that he had come by on Sunday (unofficially and just before my breakdown), hearing about our moving from Aaron, to take a look at it...still in its pre-ready boxed up state. We didn't know he was serious about moving and already knew him so I didn't car that he saw the house in transition. Even more ironically, we are already under contract with him. He viewed it on a Sunday and we signed the papers the very next Sunday (almost exactly what happened when we bought this place). Not that all of this cleaning and stressing was for nothing...but really, now! ...and did you catch that last part...WE'RE SOLD ALREADY!!! ...first official day on the market, first official showing. I have no doubt that this is what the Lord wants for us! It's a total blessing for him as well...he will rent out his house, and with what he will make there will be able to pay almost the entire mortgage here (his half, anyway)! I'm so happy that we were able to help him into this situation. It'll be just him and his dog...wich will go well with our current tenant, who is also just himself and his dog. It'll be a regular bachelor pad :-)
P.S. to all of that is that Aaron and I are feeling closer then ever and are finally able to take a breath and enjoy one another without barking orders at each other to clean this or that. :-) Sometimes it's easy to forget you're on the same side...but he proved that to me with all of his help through this difficult time, and his loving care for me has indeared him to me all the more...as if that were possible, for me to love this man anymore then I do :-)
Meanwhile, we are still currently waiting to hear about a job position in Yuma for Aaron, but I know that if the Lord wants us there, He will provide...it's difficult to wait, but I have faith it will happen in the right timing! We close on the 3rd of Sept. and vacate on the 6th. Meanwhile, since the house and yard are spotless, I have very little to do. In fact, besides cleaning up after myself, I have almost nothing to do...which is just glorious! So I have been focusing on napping, icing and heating my neck muscles, hoping that it will decide not to hurt anymore one of these days (it's been going out because of all of the stress I've been under...it hurts to turn it, etc...), playing with Aloria, and reading. I just read The Great Gatsby for the first time. The wording in it is lovely! Really, elaborately picturesque and geniusly put without being wordy. The story itself, is rather depressing, but I'm glad I read it. Another one I read a long time ago reminds me of the feel of it...The Judus Tree. They both have a sort of "desperate grasp at nothingness" to them...the main character in the Judus Tree starts from bottom, having what he wants, but takes it for granted. He then strives for greatness, attains what he thinks he wants, only to find he's lost it all while gaining everything, which now means nothing to him. Gatsby differs only in that while he had nothing, he lied about it to keep what he wanted, but because of it lost it and then spent the rest of his life attaining greatness to get it back...only to lose it in the end while trying to gain back the past. They sound depressing, don't they... but like I said, it was a beautiful read...the imagery was just fantastic. eg. "For a moment the last sunshine fell with romantic affection upon her glowing face; her voice compelled me forward breathlessly as I listened--then the glow faded, each light deserting her with lingering regret like children leaving a pleasant street at dusk."