Saturday, October 29, 2005

Metamorphosis! It's the meaning of my name...(otherwise translated "butterfly"), and I think that it has also been the theme of my life. It's really not a difficult theme for anyone to claim, as we all change on a regular basis...but in reality, some of us don't. I mean life changes, but we don't. That get's me thinking...have I? When I showed up at Multnomah at the immpressionable age of 21, I was as much a social butterfly as anyone my the time Tracy came around, I was a little more settled. That was a definate change in my personality. ...on a spiritual level, before I arrived there, I was never very good about having regular quiet times, or studying the Word without prompting. During Multnomah, I was in the Word all of the time...but was that a circumstance change? I mean, now that I'm married and a year removed from Multnomah, I'm right back to where I started. Life gets busy, and I don't make time for the Lord...and so I deduce that this part of mey has not changed, and it's more than a little depressing. I'm pregnant now, and how is that going to give me more time? won't! What kind of a role model will I be. I wonder how frustratrated the Lord gets when we continually boomerang back to the same place in life...Arizona, Oregon, or Colorado...I'm in the same place. There are so many things I want to focus on...Greek, Japanese, greeting cards, writing, and studying the Word (now why wasn't that first on my list...I could have fixed that with a quick cut and paste, but it's better for me to see my desires for what they are, and in the order they come so I can see what needs rearranging). I see it, the really great thing about being pregnant, is that in nine months I will no longer be working. Maybe during baby nap times (when I'm not napping, myself), I will have time to devote myself to such studies and hobbies. again...what can we offer the Lord that is truly wonder we cannot buy our way into salvation... This reminds me of an old Supertones song. There is a line that says, "So here's myself for whatever it's worth." How amazing that He even supplies our offering ...we certainly had nothing to do with our own creation. Awe-inspiring really! We truly have no claim to our own salvation... You're probably thinking that is the Calvinist coming out in me...and I have a funny joke about that. Well, not so much a joke, as much as Aaron making fun of didn't take him long to find out how fun that was for people :-)
So we passed this church while we were driving somewhere, and the name of it was "Free-will Baptist Church. I made the comment, "Well if that isn't blatent, I don't know what is." He commented back, "Yea, almost as blatent as Sovereign Grace Baptist Church" (my church back home). I laughed, because when someone zings you good, you have to laugh. Reminds me of Justin's comment to "What doesn't Geneva have?" ..."free will."
I miss you all something fierce, though I am faced continually with the fact that nothing will ever be the same as it was...and would I really wish it to be so. Sometimes my answer is yes. I remember specifically times when we were all hanging out, laughing and as happy as ever we could be...and wishing that, just like a movie, the credits would start roling, and life could freeze then, with everything so seemingly perfect. None of life's decision facing us...not really...not yet. Suspended and happy. I wonder if that's what Heaven will be like...moments of joy suspended...moment after moment of joy after joy...each one better than the last with the One who loves us most!
Once, while I was reminiscing over pictures from college, I made the comment how those were some of the best times of my life. Aaron, poor guy, listens patiently while I take him back through faces he has no memories with, timidly comments back...asking me if I'm just as happy for this time in my life with him. I could have cried...I saw all of your faces pass through my mind's eye...the hugs, the talks, the tears, the fights, the love...and then I saw his one face looking questioningly at me. husband, who I don't know nearly as much as you all, and yet I do. Thank goodness for him, he who pulls me back to the present. The fact is you all left...well, I left really. You weren't enough to hold me there, even with all of the love I felt for you; I knew life had to change. Then there is Aaron, who took vows to take care of me for the rest of his life...everything of his, he offered me in return for my love. ...and he has it. Though I believe any of you would like to say you would die for me (and I for you), which of you has promised to live your life with me. That is is the best part obout being married...knowing that they won't leave you; knowing that you would never wish them to leave've chosen your partner for life, and those memories you make with each other won't fade, because you'll always be there to remember them together. I think I told Aaron that this time in my life was so different that they couldn't be truth they can't, but after writing all of this, I know I said the wrong thing. My life with him is rich and oh so much more fulfilling...I need to tell him so.


1 comment:

Dan said...

ha, nessie you got spammed, but not by me, your old friend Draper. Hit me up at